Dear Dairy
by HelenItsme
Summary: I don’t know why I didn’t tell her that. Why I didn’t warn her. Why I didn’t grab her arm when I saw her falling off the stairs. She felt backwards, her mouth open and her eyes wide in shock. BP with some BL and LP. Warning: character death.


Authors Note: this is just an one shot that I wrote ages ago (on July 20, 2006 to be exact) and after I re-read and re-wrote it, I thought hey let's post it. It's not a happy one shot, so be warned. BP, BL. Reviews are love. Oh and this chapter isn't beta'd, so all the spelling or grammar mistakes are mine, sorry if it bothers you.

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July 20, 2006

Dear dairy,

Although this is my first entry, it will certainly be my last one. I don't know if that counts as a dairy, or if it's just some kind of letter to a non-existent person. It doesn't really matter anyway, cause I only want to tell something. Something big, something huge and I have to get it off my chest. Oh, and I don't feel like introducing me, I am not the most important person in this story. Peyton Sawyer is, let me explain…

The first half of my senior year was one of the best times in my life. I was Brooke Davis, Queen Bee, the beautiful head cheerleader, the smart school body president, the proud girlfriend of Lucas Scott and the best friend of Peyton Sawyer. But the most important thing is, I was happy. Truly and utterly happy.

I have no idea how I could be that naïve back then, how I could even _believe_ that that feeling was going to last. I spend my whole high school career -until senior year- as the slutty and bitchy party animal that got her kicks from ruining people and messing around with people's lives in general. So it's actually quite predictable that such a happy feeling and blessing wasn't going to last long. Karma is a bitch. And you know, what I did back then isn't even the worst thing I've done.

You see, in my sophmore year I slept with my best friends boyfriend; Lucas. It's really selfish and completely wrong for me to say but I am not ashamed of what I did. Lucas and Peyton didn't have a serious relationship at that moment anyways, it was always on and off. They weren't really happy with each other, they weren't destined to actually function as a healthy couple. So he cheated on her with me, she found out about it, and swore to never talk to either one of us ever again.

I started dating Lucas about three months after that, though Lucas was still broken about the fact that Peyton still hadn't said a word to him. He loved me though, and I loved him and that was all that mattered to me. I tried to talk to Peyton for a year and a half but she kept her promise; she refused to talk to me. It was hard in the beginning of course, but strangely enough I got used to it.

But then, at the beginning of our senior year, I got a phone call from Peyton in the middle of the night. She cried, I cried. She yelled at me, I bitched back at her, we cried some more. Then we talked for hours, filling each other in with what happened the past year and a half. I remember that while I was watching the sun come up, she told me that she finally forgave me for what I did. Though she said she would never forget. She knew that Lucas had always belonged to me, and that she'd never really loved him anyways. Although I really had crushed her trust, she missed me so much that she couldn't bare to not be friends with me anymore. I felt quite guilty that I gave up on her so easily, but it didn't matter anymore because now it was going to be P. Sawyer and B. Davis again. I was so insanely happy that I cried some more.

After she hung up the phone I felt confident and relieved. I immediately called Lucas and told him what happened.

He hung up the phone because he hadn't had a phone call like that from Peyton.

The first few weeks were hard. Peyton still didn't want to talk to Lucas, because she said that she just wasn't ready yet to forgive him. I asked her why she forgave me but not him and she answered vaguely that she didn't have an answer to that question. Anyways, it came down to a point that I had to avoid any conversation about Lucas when Peyton was around, and that Lucas didn't want to hear anything about my new found friendship with Peyton.

But after a month or so Lucas finally accepted it that Peyton forgave me and not him, and Peyton didn't flinch or shot me looks when I talked about my boyfriend. My life was going okay again. I was happy.

And you know what the funny thing is, after three months or so they even became friends again. Imagine that, Lucas and Peyton… Friends.

When I called Peyton to hang out, she told me that she was already hanging out with Lucas. When I asked Lucas if he wanted to go see a movie with me, he told me that he was already watching one, with Peyton.

So the inevitable thing happened: I got jealous.

So insanely jealous that I'm sure my face started to get green at some point.

It was as if Lucas was Peyton's boyfriend again. It was as if nothing had happened and we were dragged back into the hell of sophmore year again. Lucas and I started fighting more than we used to. The fights always had something to do with Peyton. He thought that I was crazy when I told him that it looked like he was dating her again. That he didn't pay as much attention to me as he did several months ago, and that we didn't have the same passion and love for each other as we had when he wasn't friends with Peyton.

He told me it was all bullshit.

But when I asked him if he started to have feelings for her again, or better said: still had feelings for her, he was silent for a good ten seconds. And those ten seconds confirmed all my biggest fears. Those ten damn seconds were just ten seconds too long.

I slapped him, told him to go fuck himself and walked away. He of course ran after me but it was no use. He knew that I needed some space to think about it, and he knew that he needed it too.

The next day Peyton came over and asked me if I was ok. I was so shocked because I hadn't told her a thing that happened the previous day, which meant Lucas had. I yelled at her, threw a vase against the wall and told her to leave. She didn't hesitate.

The whole week I had avoid both of them. In the beginning my voicemail was filled with their pleadings, but after five days or so I could tell that Lucas was starting to get pissed. He yelled at me trough the phone, telling me to pick up the damn thing because he knew I was just sitting next to it, listening to him screaming. He was right.

Of course they also visited my house, but I didn't open to door. And at school it was easily to avoid them, since I didn't sit next to them in class, and during lunch break I talked to my other cheerleading friends. Even during cheerleading practice (for Lucas, basketball practice), I managed to avoid talking to them.

But as I was saying, Lucas got pissed because I didn't really have a real reason to be mad at him and Peyton. But oh, was he wrong. They'd been spending most of their time together and instead of me spending some quality time with my boyfriend he was discussing his shitty music with my 'best friend'.

And guess what happened next? He gave me one final call that if I didn't answer him we would be over. Yup, you read that right. He would just give up on me that easily. Since I didn't like to do what someone forces me to, I didn't call him back. Call it stubborn or whatever you want, I refused to talk to him. He was being an ass and I thought that he would come beg me for forgiveness, plead that I needed to take him back, but no such thing happened.

The saddest thing was, that when I came over to Peyton's house crying, she told me to leave. She told me to fucking leave! She told me that I couldn't just ignore her for about a week for such a stupid reason , and then come back crawling to her whenever I needed her. I guess in some point she was right, but at that moment all I could do was tense up with rage.

I don't really remember everything exactly what happened next, everything went just so fast. We were standing in her room, yelling at each other. Me telling her that she was a bad friend for taking Lucas' side in this, and she screaming at me that he was being more than a friend to her then I ever had been. He really listened to her when she'd something to say, he understood her like I did not, he knew what she wanted to say just by looking at her. According to her, I had never completely been a good friend to her.

By now I was so mad that I slapped her, called her a backstabbing two-faced bitch and walked away. I was starting to get good at that, slapping people and then quickly leave. When I reached the stairs I heard her storming after me. I turned around and saw her angry face which meant that I had pissed her off to no end.

We then started fighting -and I don't mean the girly cat fights-, she punched me in the face, I pulled her hair, she bit my hand, I punched her back. It was the real deal, something that had never happened between us. I think that all the anger and hate that had once been in Peyton's body finally all came out. And mine too of course, because I don't think I've been more angry and felt more hatred in my entire body than at that moment.

Then it went _really_ fast. I remember that she was facing me, and I could see that see was nearing the stairs. One more step and she would fall.

I don't know why I didn't tell her that. Why I didn't warn her. Why I didn't grab her arm when I saw her falling off the stairs. She felt backwards, her mouth open and her eyes wide in shock. I just stood there, watching her fall. It felt like she was falling forever, that her scream was taking forever. My whole body went numb when I looked down and saw her lying there, completely lifeless. Her head had hit the stairs pretty hard and I think she even hit the little cabinet that stood there at the end of the hallway. I almost fainted when I saw that there was blood coming out of her head.

I think that I had stood there for about a minute, before I finally realized what happened.

I stormed off the stairs, almost tripped over my own feet, and kneeled down besides her. I started crying so loudly. I was bawling like I hadn't done in forever. I could only whisper "oh no", over and over again. I checked her wrists to see if she was still alive but I didn't feel anything. I didn't want to believe that she was dead so I stood up and called for an ambulance.

With a shaky voice I told them that my friend had fell off the stairs and that I didn't know if she would make it if they weren't coming over any minute.

Not even half an hour after everything that had happened, they confirmed me that my friend was dead.

And I was the one to blame.

Of course, they didn't know that, and maybe it wasn't really my fault, but it certainly felt that way.

I know now, that I was just a jealous bitch that couldn't stand the fact that Lucas and Peyton were such good friends. Because that's what they all were; friends. Lucas admitted right after Peyton's funeral that he did have feelings for Peyton, but that he was in _love_ with me. He was heartbroken of course, I could see it in his eyes that he would never accept the fact that Peyton was gone, and neither could I for that matter. It would kill him if he knew the truth.

So I didn't tell him. I didn't told anybody the real story. And that is why I'm writing you dear dairy, or whatever you are, to tell you this story. It's the first time that I've written it down, and I'm pretty sure that I'm going to burn this piece of paper right after I'm finished. I'm not ready for anyone to know, and that's why I'm not planning to tell anyone it either. I just thought that it would help me with making me feel less guilty. Because you know, I'm so sorry for what happened. You have no idea what I'm feeling or what I'm going through. It didn't mean to go like this. It wasn't suppose to end like this. Peyton and I were supposed to stay best friends forever.

But now she's gone, and I can't help but feel like I should've been the one to fell off the stairs.

I'm just so sorry Peyton. I hope you forgive me for what I've done.

Love you always,

Brooke.


End file.
